Bedtime Monkeys!

It is 6.30pm and both children are driving me insane! All day they have took to ignoring every single word I have said. Pushing them around town they were literally having a boxing match in the double pram.

They are shattered and deep down, like really deep down they know they should go to bed…

I follow our usual routine and Edward gives kisses. Rob is away so it is just Felicity, which you would think would make the process a lot quicker but no it actually manages to draw a simple kiss goodnight out for a whole 5 minutes as they have to throw in a few slaps and grabs before sealing the deal.

I take him upstairs, kiss him and put him in cot with a few kisses from Mickey Mouse and off he goes… normally, but tonight I come downstairs to Felicity shouting “Edward what are you doing?” at the top of her lungs. 

So, Edward is asleep. I entice Felicity to do her bedtime wee, which she puts off as long as possible knowing it will likely keep her up a little longer. I have an idea and I promise we would make the banana muffins tomorrow, which I did not let her make today because of the boxing and because she threw a drink across the coffee shop when her toast was not cut with straight lines. I know, I know – I shouldn’t be bribing her but seriously it has been a LONG week!

We then go upstairs, she manoeuvres backwards, holding every toy she could manage including some plastic food and two plastic knives, laughing as loud as she possibly can and finally we make it to the safety of my bedroom. Today I have bought a new book to read so I don’t have to read any more Peppa Pig… It’s my own fault I should have picked a softer accent for ‘Daddy Pig’ so I don’t end up with a razor sore throat every time I read his part. I’ve already learned my lesson when I tried to change it. The sheer look of disappointment on her face made me feel like a failed mother. I lost credibility for a while and had to work doubly hard to earn my rightful place as chief storyteller. I’m now back on top and receiving my “I like your stories best Mummy” at the end of each book.

Story time is over as she just keeps talking about the bloody muffins! We move into her bedroom after having the whispered conversation about “Edward being asleep and it’s not nice to wake him”. We creep across the floor and Felicity delicately hops into bed, she even puts her toys down beside her as light as a feather. Then she lets out the loudest, “SHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” possible. I’m talking the same level as Rob decides to watch his action, gun-firing movies just as I’m putting the children to bed level. YUP THAT LOUD!

We go through the tickling of the hand, back and feet and stroking of the hair, which is usually where I lose her to the wonderful world of sweet dreams. Not tonight, her eyes are firmly open and I see her trying her hardest to fixate on various things around the room to keep them from closing. My goodness this girl has some determination! I sweep my fingers down from her forehead over her eyes and whisper softly “close your eyes gorgeous”. She replies with a loud whisper, ”You lay with me Mummy”. How can I refuse? I lie down awkwardly and she plays with my hair. 

Her movements slow and finally stop and I attempt to escape, trying to pull my hair free. It’s a hard move and I decide it is best to just yank it out quickly, which only results in leaving behind a handful of hair. I then have paranoia about it getting twisted around her finger, turning blue and her getting poorly. So, I carefully pry each detached, sad little hair free. I shuffle down the bed and ARGHHHHH!!!! My eyes are filling up and I physically grip my lips together to the point they go numb, to avoid letting out the yelp I have desperate to escape me. I have managed to slide onto a plastic half of broccoli. I continue on my mission and stand up with the Velcro vegetable firmly stuck to my bottom. I am not going to risk making any more noise than I need to and therefore, I decide to walk out of the bedroom with it in place. I’m on my own tonight and anyway dignity is not as important as the glass of wine I feel I deserve right now.

I close the stair gate and hear, “MUMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!” and Edward then wakes up. I race into the room, not sure why as its too late now. Calmly I say through gritted teeth, “Its ok darling, Mummy is here”.

Annnnddd lets take it from the Top!!! See you another day my Vino…