Trying and Failing to be a Cool Mummy...

It is 6am Sunday morning and everyone is awake and squawking at me already! I’m not sure whether my children think they’ve slept for a week when they wake up but they always seem ravenous to the point where I’m pretty sure that if I opened the fridge and let them loose it would be like a scene from the Piranha movie, where they take seconds to devour a person. There would be a disturbing scene of courgettes and broccoli showering the air, disbursing only to reveal two very round-bellied little people with remnants of mint sauce, cheese and fruit smeared around their mouths.

Anyway, the day goes well with lots of playing nicely and sharing too. This day is actually pretty perfect! 

Then the husband starts falling asleep on the couch. I think he had a little too much sun yesterday and no sunscreen, which is apparently my fault even though the he rejected the factor 50 I had lathered on the children.

So, the very tiny little bit of sympathy inside me tells him to go and have a nap on the bed. Usually, I would be telling him to “Suck it Up, its your own stupid fault”, however, the red pulsing beacon that is the back of his neck is forcing me to show some compassion and also prevent any false landings of aircraft in the apartment!

Edward is already napping and Felicity astonishes me further when she decides she wants a nap too! Can this day get any better?? Anyway, it has been a while since she pee’d so I ask her to go to the loo first to which she refuses point blank and so up to bed we go. She eventually falls asleep in my arms and in turn I fall asleep to.

Waaahhhhhh! Edward is awake!!! I carefully but swiftly pull my drool soaked arm from under my gorgeous lady and go and grab him before he reaches 10 on the Richter scale. By the way it turns out I had a total of 15 minutes nap!

We play downstairs and read a few books. Well actually I try to read the books and he thinks its funny to slam the card pages shut on my fingers and squeeze. Oh the little sweetie. 

I decide it is probably best to wake the husband and little precious up as they have had an hour and a half and I know how bedtime will turn out at this point. Well she was not such a little precious when I woke her more like Gollum looking for the little precious. “Not Now Mummy! Two more minutes! Don’t be horrible! Arrgggghhhh”

I’m desperate to get them to the beach for a picnic. I want them to enjoy this weather and us as much as possible. The realisation that one day they won’t want to play with me anymore is becoming more prevalent each time she says, “I can do it on my own”, “no mummy, that’s not how you do it”, “mummy... shhhhuusssshhh”.

It takes a lifetime to get packed up and down there, which is quite puzzling seeing as the beach bag is always ready to take and only getting them ready, sun screened and food thrown in the cooler is needed.

We’re about to head out the door when I discover I then have to unpack the bottom of the yo-yo buggy as Felicity has decided we cannot possible go to the beach without every random object she can find. Today’s objects include a placemat, a toy microphone, Goofy and a pillow. I like the placemat and the pillow as I think this is relevant to a nice, tidy and relaxing picnic…the microphone and Goofy I can only assume to be for the after party.

We’re on the beach and the kids are munching away on my homemade mini pizzas (managed to make something they both like!). We have a paddle in the water and I start working on my “boat” which Felicity insists on ever since our friends visited and he dug a huge hole in the sand for her. I wouldn’t mind but he is 6ft something and strong and I am well smaller and don’t have the right tools for this at all. However, revelling in the fact that she wants me to do this honorary task and not her father who she has seemingly replaced me with entirely lately, I gracefully accept and set to work.

I could not have picked a worse place to dig. It seemed to be going so well for the first 4” and then complete rubble with some pretty epic boulders. Not one to shy away from a bit of manual labour and constantly reminding myself that this counts as an ‘arms day’ and if I throw in some excavation work too perhaps also an ‘abs day’, I continue. Eeeeeeek!!! I squeal inside... I’ve just dug in the spade and grazed every knuckle on my left hand on the perfectly round stone ‘captains seat’ I was leaving in for extra brownie points! I try not to make a big deal of it and simply turn to Rob and request a Water Wipe to which the following exchange takes place:

“What?”

“Pass me a Water Wipe please hun”

“Whaaaat??”

“Water Wipe please urgently”

“Why are you whispering? Whaaaat???”

By this point I clearly have blood spreading across my hand and it is pretty clear from process of elimination what I am requesting, particularly as I’m pointing erratically at the pack with my good hand! Also, might I add he is literally 5ft away from me! Regardless, I screech “Water Wipe!!!!”.

Now, I’m getting looks from surrounding beach goers for yelling on the beach. Bad Mummy Alert!

Anyway, I wipe my wounds and continue to dig and dig. By this point Edward has already sat in the hole and caused a landslide on both port and starboard side. I hold Edward on my knee with him “helping me” with the smallest spade in the world and I reconstruct. Despite Edward’s best efforts the boat is again stable and safe to sail. Looking back I think at this point I should have realised that I am taking this task a little too seriously.

Then a small boy comes over and observes. Felicity has had her eye on him for sometime now and I could tell she was desperate to play with him, so, when he asks if he can help of course I welcome him with a smile and a spade, to which he decides he wants mine. Seriously dude, you couldn’t have picked any of the other 5 various colour, various size spades I have brought down?? You have to have mine?? The old faithful spade that had seen me reach this crucial point in the boat making challenge.

I remind myself he’s just a small boy (4 years he declares as he exchanges small talk with my “I AM 2” little princess). I give him my trusty spade. Reluctantly!

Then to my absolute horror, Mr 4 Year Old, Felicity and Edward commence throwing sand from the now mountain towering behind me into MY boat. Showering me in sand and tiny bullet like stones in the process. Literally, blood, sweat and a whole lot of huffing went into that masterpiece and they are not thinking twice to destroy it.

“Awh, bless him the little monkey” I say out loud to show my soft side and that “I REALLY DON’T CARE…” You know, like I am just a chilled out, cool Mummy…

Mr 4 Year Old’s auntie comes over to collect him and gives her apologies. He doesn’t want to leave. I’m not surprised, it must be pretty flippin’ hilarious!

I give him giant bubbles to take away with him and he is over the moon. The little smile on his face! So cute! I forgive the absolute little…Sugar.

Right! Back to this boat! Double points on ‘arms day’ now. I ask Rob the time and I am distraught at the next decision I have to make... we have to leave and be parents and follow our routine. Not happy, I pack up our things and in a very ‘Kevin and Perry’ kind of way sulk my way off the beach, whilst dragging the pram across the sand. By the way that is the only way I can move any buggy in the sand. I am not actually being a bad parent at this point! I always get that job. It is hard work. Especially, when everyone decides to put everything in the bottom AND I have just done a load of ‘arm workout’ if you have already forgotten!

Bedtime is as predicted… Edward goes down straight away, my little angel. From Felicity I have a bit of tantrum, constant poking, trying to lick my cheek, talking random stuff and of course asking where her ‘New Best Friend’ is. Oh and telling me her ‘New best friend’ was ‘Funny’ putting “lots of sand in Mummy’s boat”. By this point I am shattered and drop off myself only to wake up 20 minutes later with yet more drool on my already throbbing arm and George and Peppa down my bra.

Lovely, family day though! 

#makingthemostoftheweather #sunshine #littlemonkeys #sandcastles #mummyissues #realmummy #relax #newfriends #growingup #prince #princess #peppapig #Waterwipes #babyzenyoyo